june 10th. the day the resit ends. as usual, all the people around me were jolly, happy, and all that. they would be planning stuffs like going out to gurney, sing at redbox til your lungs burst or you lost your voicebox or something. (pardon me, i watched too much spongebob these days) somehow, it didn't feel anything like that to me. i feel totally..i can't say the word empty. i think the right substitute for the word is probably depressed.
looking back, i totally understand how they feel. it's like been there, done that.
flashbacks of yesteryears crossed through my mind.
2008 - the year of 2008 was a nightmare at the beginning, yet total bliss at the ending and the middle. i had the best yet worst experience in some camp i don't want to recall of. i met the best and worst people. i went through what i call "peer pressure", something i never thought i would go through. i made plenty of mistakes. i tried pleasing people by not being myself. i tried being somebody i'm not. so anyhow, that was til march 08. i have great friends. those childhood friends, church friends, tuition friends and school friends. i'm thankful for them. oh not to mention some great peeps i met in ns. college was wonderful. the people i met and knew were all great. they're true, like a lot of the other people i met throughout my life. i also met the best "someone". he was really great. nobody's perfect, he has his flaws, but yet, he's the best.
2009 - all things start to fall apart. after few words from people and all, misunderstandings occured. i became self-centred. i indulge in self pity a lot. and that cost me someone i love. looking back, i realized that he does care, he did all he could. it was me who tore everything apart. i finally understood what true love means.
2010 - i'm tired of pretending to be happy. i'm tired of crying everyday. somehow, i hate crying. whatever. i recalled being a child, whenever i go to the beach, whenever i hear a wave crash upon the shore, i cry. yet i grew up loving the beach. whenever i sit on a ferry or boat, i cry. yeah, blame titanic. i watched the movie like thrice. whenever a balloon pops, i cry. i remembered the time when i was 8, when i was in manila, philippines, with my family. this clown came and tried making me laugh and she wanted to give me a balloon. unfortunately, she failed. i ended up crying. not because i disliked her. well i dislike clowns, but not her. i was afraid of clowns, and i recalled that poor lady looking terrified, speaking in some language i believe is tagalog. the whole restuarant just stared at her, so yeah. i recalled the time during standard 4, when i was 10, during some class party in 4 dahlia, i recalled my friend lisa. knowing well how much i disliked balloons, she playfully pop-ed one in front of me. i think i cried. somehow, my crying stopped when i turned 13. but it came back when i was 18. whatever.
i tried committing suicide. somehow, the word of God, my family, thoughts of him, and friends stopped me. a friend once told me she couldn't live without someone. i laughed at her, thinking she's just saying one of those nonsensical cliches. anyhoo, i think now i totally understood her. he's going off soon. and i haven't spoke properly to him since..well, a year i think? i missed him. but there's nothing much i can do cos i'm afraid i might slip something angry or hurtful or offensive when i see him or talk to him. but sadly, whenever i see him, whether it's in real life or in some picture, i feel happy. i feel calm. i feel kind of safe. but then, reality would strike, and i would feel all depressed and down again..
medicine is something i really want to do. dermatology to be specific. unfortunately, i don't have the brains to. as some people say, i'm not smart. affects me much but i will somehow prove them wrong. so yeah, gotta work thrice as hard to obtain my dream. medicine in the UK has unfortunately, only september intake. so i'm going in next year. don't know where to though. i'm really thankful for the wonderful people who has helped me through a-levels from 2008 til now. i have failed entering the university of volgograd in russia for medicine back in 08, but i'm not gonna give up.
looking back - again, i do not regret anything. never regretted meeting him, falling for him, being with him, etc. sometimes though i wished i could've scored better in spm, in physics particularly, which was weirdly, my favourite subject at that time, so i can just go to russia, pursue my dream in becoming a dermatologist, and forget everything back in some camp. and not go through this. anyhow, i am starting to believe things happen for a reason. but if i could just conclude one thing, it would be that these three years have been a whirlwind for me. good and bad. he is definitely one of the best things that has happened in my life, and i'm really grateful for that.
oh well, enough said. i'm glad i can just rant it all out here. i could not sleep at all, and i'm tired of my best friends biology, chemistry and math. friends said i can just rant all i want in facebook, but nah. its like once something is up, everybody would be commenting or something, or even if they don't care, they will still see it. neopets and these a-levels subjects will be my best friends til i enter university. oh not to mention that brother of mine. he's probably sick of me.
*sighs*
now i think i can finally sleep in peace without tears and much depressing as usual thoughts.
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xx_me's journal
crushed
